By Ewere Okonta
08037383019
Nothing quite matches the joy of a happy home—laughter echoing in the hallways, shared meals filled with stories, and siblings who are best friends for life. But sometimes, beneath the smiles and shared moments, there lurks an unseen force that threatens this joy—sibling rivalry. It sneaks in unnoticed, turning simple disagreements into full-blown conflicts, and before we know it, the warmth of the home starts to fade.
What is Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is the competition, jealousy, or conflict between brothers and sisters. It’s as old as time itself, evident even in biblical stories like Cain and Abel or Joseph and his brothers. It manifests in various ways—constant arguments, subtle favoritism, attention-seeking behaviors, or even outright physical confrontations. At its core, it’s driven by a desire for parental attention, validation, and a sense of importance within the family. Every child wants to be seen, heard, and valued, and when they feel otherwise, rivalry sets in.
What Causes Sibling Rivalry?
Sibling rivalry doesn’t just appear out of thin air. Several factors contribute to its rise:
- Parental Favoritism: When one child perceives another as being loved or favored more, resentment builds. Even when unintentional, children are quick to notice differences in treatment.
- Comparison and Competition: “Why can’t you be more like your brother?” Such statements fuel unhealthy rivalry and make children feel like they are constantly in a race to prove their worth.
- Age and Birth Order Differences: Older siblings may feel burdened with responsibility, while younger ones crave independence and struggle to assert themselves.
- Personality Clashes: Just like any two individuals, siblings have different temperaments, which can lead to friction. Some are introverted, others extroverted; some are meticulous, while others are carefree. These differences can create misunderstandings.
- Parental Conflicts: A home filled with tension between parents can breed sibling rivalry as children mirror negative interactions. When parents constantly argue, children may subconsciously take sides and become rivals themselves.
- Scarcity of Resources: Whether it’s parental attention, toys, or financial resources, competition can arise when siblings feel they must fight for what they need. Even something as simple as who gets to sit in the front seat can turn into a battleground.
The Negative Effects of Sibling Rivalry in Our Homes
Sibling rivalry, if unchecked, does more damage than we realize. It’s not just about minor fights or disagreements—it has long-lasting effects that can shape an entire family dynamic.
– It robs the home of peace. Constant arguments create a toxic environment where children grow up in tension rather than love.
– It breeds resentment and lifelong grudges. Many adults still carry wounds from childhood conflicts that were never resolved, leading to estranged relationships.
– It creates an unhealthy sense of competition. Instead of cooperation, siblings grow up trying to outdo each other rather than supporting one another.
– It weakens family bonds. What should be a strong, united front turns into fragmented relationships where trust is scarce.
– It affects parental well-being. No parent enjoys being a referee in their home, breaking up fights, or dealing with emotional meltdowns. Over time, it becomes exhausting and can even lead to strained marriages.
Managing Sibling Rivalry: Restoring Peace in the Home
Sibling rivalry can be controlled and even prevented with the right approach. Here’s how:
- Avoid favoritism: Each child should feel equally loved and valued. Praise them individually for their unique strengths instead of comparing them.
- Encourage Teamwork, Not Competition: Instead of pitting siblings against each other, foster activities where they work together toward a common goal, like solving a puzzle or completing a household chore.
- Teach Conflict Resolution Skills: Instead of intervening all the time, guide them on how to resolve disagreements peacefully. Help them use words instead of fists.
- Spend Quality Time Individually: Children should not have to compete for their parents’ attention. Dedicate time to each child separately, whether it’s reading a bedtime story, going for a walk, or simply having a heart-to-heart conversation.
- Set clear rules and boundaries: Ensure that respect and kindness are non-negotiable in your home. Make it clear that insults, physical fights, or name-calling are not acceptable.
- Be a role model: Show through your own actions how to handle disagreements maturely and with respect. If parents handle conflicts constructively, children will follow suit.
- Teach Empathy and Understanding: Help children see things from each other’s perspectives, fostering compassion rather than competition. A little “How would you feel if…” goes a long way in building emotional intelligence.
The Consequences of Unchecked Sibling Rivalry
If left unmanaged, sibling rivalry doesn’t just end in childhood—it follows individuals into adulthood and spreads beyond the family.
– For siblings: It leads to estranged relationships, lack of emotional support, and even bitterness that lasts a lifetime. Siblings who should be lifelong allies become distant acquaintances.
– For Parents: A home filled with constant conflict can lead to stress, exhaustion, and even depression. The joy of parenting is replaced with a feeling of constant strain.
– For Society: Dysfunctional homes breed individuals who struggle with relationships, teamwork, and emotional intelligence. If children do not learn how to resolve conflicts at home, they carry these struggles into friendships, workplaces, and even their own families.
How Sibling Rivalry Erodes Good Family Values
At its worst, sibling rivalry weakens the very foundation of a family. Instead of teaching love, unity, and cooperation, it fosters competition, jealousy, and resentment. Families that should serve as a safe haven become battlegrounds, where everyone is looking out for themselves instead of lifting one another up.
Sibling Rivalry: The Number One Joy Killer in Our Homes
Joy in a home is not just about material wealth or comfort—it is built on love, peace, and strong relationships. But where there is rivalry, there can be no true joy. Siblings who should be best friends grow into lifelong rivals. Parents who should be basking in the happiness of their children’s bond are instead worn out from resolving conflicts. A house divided against itself cannot stand.
How to Prevent Sibling Rivalry from the Start
- Prepare the older child before a new sibling arrives: Involve them in welcoming their new sibling instead of making them feel displaced.
- Teach Conflict Resolution Early: Show kids how to manage disagreements constructively before bad habits form.
- Foster a Culture of Gratitude and Teamwork: Make kindness and cooperation core family values rather than just occasional lessons.
- Encourage a ‘We’ mentality instead of a ‘Me’ mentality: siblings should see themselves as part of the same team, not competitors.
- Create Family Traditions that Build Unity: Regular bonding activities like family game nights, outings, or storytelling can help cement strong sibling relationships.
Final Thoughts
Sibling rivalry may be common, but it doesn’t have to define our families. By fostering love, mutual respect, and teamwork, we can create homes where joy thrives. When managed correctly, siblings can be each other’s greatest allies, forming lifelong friendships that make life’s journey more beautiful.
At the end of the day, a family should be a unit, a team, a source of strength—not a battlefield. The choice is ours to make.
This is my Sunday sermon from my pulpit!
Ewere Okonta is an advocate of good family values. He is the CEO of EOB Media. He writes from the Department of Business Administration, University of Delta, Agbor.